


The Past Was, the Present Is, and the Future Will Be… Tense

by Emrys MK (mk_malfoy)



Series: Merlin Episodes: AUs, Missing Scenes, and Inspired By [12]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Episode: s04e09 Lancelot du Lac, M/M, Missing Scene, Past Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Pining Arthur, Pining Merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 17:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6480247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mk_malfoy/pseuds/Emrys%20MK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With Gwen’s departure, Arthur can no longer ignore that which is in front of him, but he wants to. He wants to so very much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Past Was, the Present Is, and the Future Will Be… Tense

**Author:** : Emrys MK  
**Title** : The Past Was, the Present Is, and the Future Will Be… Tense  
**Rating** : PG  
**Characters/pairings** : Merlin/Arthur… or sort of… maybe…they want it to be  
**Summary** : With Gwen’s departure, Arthur can no longer ignore that which is in front of him, but he wants to. He wants to so very much.  
**Words** : 1700  
**Warnings** : ANGST  
**A/N** : This is another of my Merthur-in-Canon Episode fics. I asked for an episode in Merlin re-watch chat and Wasp gave me _Lancelot du Lac_.  
**Disclaimer** : I do not own anything Merlin-related. Shine and BBC are the lucky ones who do.

As Arthur raised his hand to knock on Gaius’s door he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. As far as days went, this had been one of the worst he’d experienced, possibly eclipsed only by the day of his father’s death, but, at least when his father had died he’d had Gwen by his side to help him cope with the grief and overwhelming fear and uncertainty about the future. Now Gwen was gone and Arthur didn’t know how to go forward without her. Yes, he’d sent her away and had done so willingly, but banishing her had made him an emotional wreck. Gwen ~~was~~ had been his future, and the loss of her was an unbearable burden that he didn’t want.

He knocked and waited for Gaius’s familiar face to welcome him, but when the door opened it was Merlin who greeted him with a small forced smile. Arthur couldn’t conjure any expression other than a frown. He sighed rather deeply and shook his head. 

Why was his life like it was? Couldn’t he be allowed to be happy for just once in his life? And why did it have to be _Merlin_ who answered the door? The very last person Arthur wanted to see at the moment was his servant. Looking at him was too hard… for far too many reasons to think about. “Merlin,” Arthur mumbled before he very nearly turned and left, wanting nothing more than to retreat to his room and hide from everyone, but instead he set his jaw and faced what was in front of him. He was the king of Camelot, after all. He couldn’t be seen sulking and nursing his wounds. He had subjects who looked up to him. Why would they look up to anyone who was such a mess? How could they respect their king if they knew how lost he felt? Arthur took a deep breath. He could face this. He would face this. And _this_ began with Merlin.

“Sire,” Merlin said, his face now showing his surprise as he ushered Arthur inside and closed the door. “Gaius is out tending one of the courtiers who has taken ill, but he should be back soon if you need to speak with him.”

Arthur took a seat at the table and popped a grape from the bowl in the middle of the table into his mouth. He purposely did not look at Merlin. “I do need to speak to Gaius, but whilst I’m here, I’ll as—m—my uncle told me you took care of Lancelot’s burial?” he amended, unsure why he was asking—he had, after all, told Merlin to bury Lancelot, so of course he would have—but ask he did, perhaps because as upset as he was with what had happened, he still cared about his former knight.

Arthur had trusted him above all others, with the possible exception of Leon. Lancelot had repeatedly shown his devotion to Camelot and had made the ultimate sacrifice at the _Isle of the Blessed_. 

Then this. 

Arthur was completely at a loss. How could Lancelot have done this to him? It had never been a secret that Gwen and Lancelot had once been more to each other than friends, but that had been years earlier and Arthur hadn’t thought he needed to worry about Lancelot kissing his future wife, or his future wife kissing Lancelot. 

It was too much to take in and too much to fully comprehend, but what was clear was that Arthur had sent Gwen away and would never see her again. All because of Lancelot. Arthur should hate his former knight, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. How could he hate Lancelot? Arthur swallowed as he waited for Merlin’s response, and by the somber look on Merlin’s face, what he was about to say wasn’t easy. But, why would it be? No one had been closer to Lancelot than Merlin. Arthur felt a surge of empathy for him. 

“I did, Sire,” was Merlin’s succinct answer, his emotions clearly written in his sad eyes and on his frowning mouth. “He was my friend.”

Arthur allowed the briefest of smiles. He was no fool. His servant mightn’t have ever let on, but Arthur knew that Lancelot and Merlin had been more than mates. That was as obvious to Arthur as Merlin’s ears. “Thank you, Merlin. This can’t have been easy on you. I know how close the two of you were.”

Merlin sat down across from Arthur and grabbed a handful of grapes and began eating them one by one. “I need no thanks, Sire.”

Arthur couldn’t miss the slump of Merlin’s shoulders and, as much as he was hurting over what had happened with Gwen and Lancelot, he wasn’t oblivious to the fact that his servant had also lost two of his best friends that day. “I’m sorry, Merlin, I’m not the only one who had to say goodbye to two people I cared about. I wasn’t thinking about how you might be affected.”

Merlin shrugged his shoulders. “Why should you, Sire? I did as you asked,” he said before he dropped the remainder of the grapes back into the bowl and pushed himself up from where he was seated. He then looked into Arthur’s eyes. “I can’t stop thinking about Gwen. I know you don’t want to talk about her and that you might be compelled to put me in the stocks for speaking her name, but before she was your future wife, Arthur, she was _my friend_ ,” Merlin said, his voice a bit louder with each subsequent word. “She believed in me when almost no one else did, and I miss her. If that upsets you, I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I care for her very much and will miss her.”

Arthur nodded his understanding. That Merlin cared for Gwen was evident—had always been so—and Arthur was glad for it. “Gwen told me she kissed you when you woke up after she and Gaius thought you’d died,” Arthur then said, something akin to amusement on his face. “Why didn’t you and she end up together? I seem to remember Morgana making several comments about the two of you being good together.”

Merlin again shrugged his shoulders. “Dunno, it just didn’t seem right,” was what Merlin said, but he looked at Arthur with _that_ look.

Arthur knew that Merlin wasn’t being completely honest about his feelings, but, then again, neither was he. He hadn’t been honest with his feelings for years now. But what choice did either of them have? “Even knowing she liked you?” Arthur asked, not really wanting to know anymore. He knew more than he needed and deserved to know.

“I wanted it to be me and her, Arthur. For a time that is what I wanted more than anything. When was I ever going to do better than Gwen?” he asked with a bitter laugh. “But I just… didn’t. I couldn’t muck up the courage.” That look again. The look that said, _Arthur, don’t ask me these questions, please. You know why I didn’t pursue Gwen._

Arthur swallowed and briefly closed his eyes so as not to look at Merlin’s sad expression. Arthur was damned. Everything in his life was so much harder than he’d thought it would be. Why did he have to be the King of Camelot and why did he have to live his life according to a code that had been established centuries earlier? “Do you think she loved Lancelot more than she loved me?” he asked next, unsure why he was asking, because he knew Merlin would never answer such a question, but he had to get his mind off of Merlin.

“Sire, I am at your beck and call to do whatever you need for me to do, but please don’t ask me questions about Gwen or Lancelot. It’s unfair and, yes, I know that life is unfair, but please don’t. If I need to explain, then you don’t know me like I think you do.” Merlin’s eyes pleaded with him not to pry any further.

If Arthur knew anyone better than he knew Merlin, he was unaware of it, so he knew he had gone too far and that it was time to end this conversation. “I’m sorry. That was truly unfair of me, Merlin. I just wanted to come by and check that Lancelot had been laid to rest properly and to thank you for that. You are a true friend.” Arthur stood and turned to leave, but stopped when Merlin called out his name. “What?” he whined, not wanting to continue this talk. He should have never come here. It was too difficult knowing that the two things he wanted the most in life were so close, yet so far away. He turned back towards Merlin, who now looked miserable.

“Arthur, I don’t know much about this life, but what I do know is that we are only given so many chances to love. Please don’t let this opportunity with Gwen pass you by. I know what she did was wrong, very wrong, but she loves you so and I know you love her. You deserve to be happy. I can go look for her and bring her back. I would do that for you,” Merlin said, his voice nearly breaking, his eyes now looking towards the ground.

Unable to speak for several seconds, Arthur stared at Merlin, who was obviously fighting his own emotions. If Arthur lived forever he would never meet another like Merlin. “Thank you, Merlin. You are a true friend, but this wrong cannot be righted,” he managed to say with little to no emotion sneaking through. He then left without another word, but the look on Merlin’s face would never leave him. The look nearly broke him. 

Arthur had lost so much in his life, but in the past year he had lost his father, Lancelot, Gwen, and he was nearly prostrate with grief over the possibility of losing Merlin. He didn’t know why he thought he might, but the thought was unbearable and had him walking as quickly as he could to get to his rooms before his emotions came out and he had to explain himself to his uncle.


End file.
